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23‏/04‏/2010

My Father's Absurdism


Written by : Ahmed Mokhtar Ashor
Translated by : Memot Alvers
...............
I used to hate my dad..
Then I got a little bit older, and happened to fully understand him...
Towards him, and throughout my life, I underwent three stages of feelings...
....
First, the conventional stage...
In this, I was heavily influenced by my older brothers...
I idolized, deified and hand-kissed him in abjection...
And I was awfully touchy about my father being ridiculed, and any one who did ridicule him...I was ready to show him that violence is alive and kicking!
........
Second, The awareness period...
This wasn't much less naive than the aforementioned conventional stage...
The way I view my father had experienced a U-turn...
It wasn't until I learned more about him....
That I recognized that he is a thief, deceitful, fraud, mass-murderer, dishonest and ambidextrous...
And when I made this plain, my opposition boiled down to two categories...
Some of them were badly given to scolding, abhorrence, and aggression ...
Others tried desperately to have my father acquitted, no matter how ludicrous their vindications were...
They don't wanna hate him...because their hopes would come to a chilling end as the picture of the elder collapses...
At this point my older brothers had left me in the lurch...
.......
Later on...I became a globe-trotter, traveled to remote lands, and rid myself of gossamery and happy disposition, quite a bit...
Consequently, I came to the conclusion, that Absurdism is the ultimate truth...
Let's not talk about the so-called civility, after which we're trying to hide, just to skip over the aimlessness, which is the most fundamental truth we've found since we ventured onto the land of this world...
........
Anywhere I go...
Nations worship geckos...Nations go along with nothing save in science...
I've seen nothing but stupendously tangible chaos and Absurdism in the countries of the formers...and the same in the latters', they are fraudulently concealed here, however...
You have to be backed by some sort of authority to reinforce and protect you wherever you are...
I've treated them very kind-heartedly, and decently...They didn't pay me the slightest bit of attention, as long as I came from a well-known family....They thought that this was deceit and villainy...
........
I'm the descendant of the notorious killer...
I told them that I'm innocent of all of his crimes, and tried to explain my view on belonging... but I only found doubt, persecution, and scorn in return...I was unreciprocated...
........
Only then, the true worth of my father became blindingly clear and fathomable...
Anguished and tormented by the fact that my father died in agony, cause I didn't get him right, and missed the quintessence of his monumental feats....
My whole attitude had undergone a subtle change once again for the third time...
........
I wondered if my dad had been a placid, and lenient person...Would have they spared me their contempt and disdain?...
Would have they treated me in a proper way?...
If he had been a gentle one...Would have I been brought up at such a sacrosanct palace? That even the most zealous man is afraid to pass by, as if it were the lion's den?...
Of course, that had been before all the hell broke loose!
........
Was my father in need to establish himself as the sole sovereign and the absolute ruler...but I couldn't retain his glory?...
........
There's a rock adjacent to the pole...
I tripped over it, then I asked: “Who placed this here?”...
Somebody replied: “ A benevolent man did, lest you collide with pole.”...
Again, I asked: “And who placed the pole here?”
Replied: “The same benevolent guy...He placed it here, so that the people can be aware of the presence of the rock!”
........
My father was in urgent need for this leadership...
He was a hapless poor, yet a genius orphan...
This is the problem of genius guy, who badly lacks the power, which is necessary for him to prove himself in an impecunious and a destitute society like ours...
.......
Until he married a wealthy widow...She gave him money. She gave him tenderness, compassion, and everything....
He remained out of sights into the city's recesses for a while - with some of his chosen companions -, lest they call him a tramp who lives by exploiting women...
Then he found a treasure...
He also demonstrated his resilience, toughness, and incomparable drive to win..
He put his fortune to hers abreast...
he increased the money thousandfold through his trade, licit and illicit alike...
He remained staunchly loyal and sincere to her till her death...
........
Eventually, he capriciously gave in to his desires, turned his libido loose, and became a perverted debauchee, who thought only with his stick...He ran amok...
Married and divorced at whim...
And with every incoming woman, there came another massive boost to his authority, ascendancy, and fortune...
His treachery and double-crossing escalated...
Meanwhile, he profusely engulfed and endowed his prodigal men with booties, and whatever they pleased in great abundance...
He indulged them...for he will laptop their adulation, and they're the ones who were to anticipate any criticism aimed at him and blunt it...
He also monstrously punished any attempt of rebellion, betrayal, or anyone who tried to step out of the line...
........
My skeptic mind whispered to me, that my father did not amass all of this fortune, and did not build his empire for me...
Any other shabby sperm would've taken a good care of the business, and grant him another son in my stead...
I suppressed this appalling notion inside of me, cause I knew that if I bestowed much thought on it, I would end up committing suicide...
All in all, the most acceptable state of affairs between humans is when the interests are mutual...If the interests converge at the same point, there's no problem out there...
............
When I fully comprehended Absurdism, I cherished my dad and his memory...
Even though, he was psychopathic thief, plunderer, and impostor...
............
I was systematically alternating between the second stage and the third on purpose...That is to say ambivalence..
When I found my older siblings treating others despicably...my temperament headed towards the second stage ( i.e., to despise and contemn )...
I deliberately summoned his atrocities, iniquities, and aired his dirty laundry in public...
............
By contrast, when my younger siblings mocked him...I reversed to the third, and responded apathetically...
I held them in high negligibility...
And I knew that their attitudes were gonna wreak havoc upon them, because it will render my older brothers frantically enraged...
............
The others never appreciated my sincerity...it was unrequited...
The same goes for my loyalty to my brothers, they had always put it in question...The others were clearly positive that I was never to pledge my loyalty to any of my brothers, and never to be trusted...
They never trusted my impartiality...
And because I was reading vehemently and veraciously about the leaders and patrons of survival and dominance to fittest...
My way to fully grasp my father's essence was laid bare...
I admired him much, and was flushed with his success...
Still, I didn't forgive him, because of the echo of the debris of conscience...
............
As time went by, I grew certain that Absurdism lies at the heart of this world...
Absurdism made me gaily receive all kinds of stuff that marches or rushes towards me...Woe is nothing...So, come what may...
............
We're friends now?...
So, we're mortal enemies tomorrow! who cares?!...
............
We're lovers now?
We might very well be foes, shortly...So, any impending treason or betrayal is most welcome...
............
I've never believed in Absurdism...
( I was entirely benign in nature, I even tolerated the devil himself to the extent of apparent foolishness)...
I embraced it as an exegesis, however...
Absurdism made me tend to people and spite and loathe them simultaneously...
I thought of them as childrens of acromania, and I reckoned that none of their behaviors is of merit or holds water...
I held their actions in derision, and met it with jeering laughter...
And subsequently, back to my senses...
............
Everything is A OK, and justified for the sake of show-off, money, lust, fame, foppishness, and dandyism...
There's are no such things as dignity, honor, role models, or principles...
I was jacked up and willing to take the next stab, even from the apple of my eye...
.............
Man slays cattle, buffalo, sheep, goat, hen, camel, peacock, and rabbit...
Man hunts foxes and sparrows...
Man annihilates insects and mosquitoes
Obliterates geckos and mice...
Augmented by cats and dogs...
Dismembers plants and Crushes grasses...
He is blatantly oblivious and indifferent to the fact that he's having the lives of some silent creatures going down the drain...
The silence has claimed yet another victim...cause silence in life exclusively means defeat...
Man tames lions, leopards, tigers, and apes...
.............
Let's turn to man's treatment to man...
Man kills another...
Even for the most abysmal and the grubbiest of reasons...
The high-born scion of a venerable does not marry the son of watchman, but in the pitiful and pathetic movies...
You're being very charitable to a beggar, nevertheless you keep a distance from him, lest your hands get stained, as if he were a demon spawned wretch...
.............
It doesn't matter how sober religions and philosophies try to intercept Classism...
It is here, unhindered, unfettered...
But my father did it!
He set the lands of our rival family on fire, and my elder brother assassinated their godfather and converted him into history...
Following a scorched earth, and a mournful loss...
They were reluctantly forced into negotiating a treaty with us...
They did it against the grain, especially because my father demanded that the daughter of their leader has to marry a groom - a stableman -, or a rancher - herdsman - of our own...
They completely lacked the resolution to reject, and were prompted to do whatever my father said...
My father refused to marry one of us - his sons - to her...
My little brother informed me that "dad had done this, because he is disinterested in her", but if he had been interested, it is absolutely certain that he would have replaced a were-to-be divorced wife - out of his four wives - with her...
............
Perhaps he wanted to ruthlessly humiliate and subject this family more and more with this...
It has also come to pass that this girl contemptuously and boastfully treated her husband the rancher, later...
At the same time, she was playing the role of the seductive enchantress on my dad to lure him into her love...
And she made it!
My father emancipated her from her husband...and married her thereafter...
............
In spite of this, nobody from our village ever called him a self-indulgent pervert, or the likes...
Everything he did was absolved, even if this thing was the insanity itself...
Nonetheless, Each time I saw the rancher's family excessively praising my father, holding him as divine...
Every time I hear them Reciting the favors he had done to them every so often and telling of his generosity and grace as benefactor...
I became thoroughly acquainted with the fact that nobody really thinks about the covert motivations...
...........
The human - any human - cares most about what he or she would get, regardless of the law of coincidence, or any other materialistic interpretations...
The liar, the killer, and the thief are not the blameworthy...
The deceived, and the victim, and those who eschew vice are the ones at fault!
...........
It doesn't matter who's wrong or right...
What the hell is the meaning of wrong or right in a world guided by aimlessness and meaninglessness?!
To always emerge victorious and triumphant is all that matters...
...........
Sometimes, I would like to express my love to my father in my own style, then I extrapolate my brothers scornful reactions, as if I were his nemesis or foeman!
I love him indeed, nevertheless I do it my own way...
My older brothers may one day get a grip on my way of loving dad, as they watch our younger brothers decry and demote him...
I totally know that neither my older brothers nor my younger ones know him as comprehensively as I do...
So it hurts so much to imagine the elders assuming my viewpoint immediately, overlooking the juniors' in the process!
............
So many years have passed since my father's death...
Every time I remember him, or his memory is evoked, I pray for mercy on his soul...
I beg of him to forgive my obfuscation, and to pardon my depreciation to his commandments and edicts that once baffled my acumen...
.............
Though my mind has understood the nature of Absurdism...
My heart is still having a hard time believing in the legitimacy of any leadership claimed through, and still bathing in the rejuvenating blood...
Yes, I love my dad...
Still, I don't worship him as do my senior brothers...
And I have an overwhelming respect for him, as my younger brothers do not!
.............
My father has lied, stolen, and killed...
That is not disputed...
But, I've had an insight into how he viewed this world...
Even though, It is a posthumous insight, a kind of belated one...
It only came after my father had prostrated amidst the bathetic approaches of the darn fools of my older and younger siblings...
Those who considered him a deity, and those who visualized him as the manifestation of the devil...
.............
I love him...
Solely...because he is my father...
My begetter...

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